ODR

Post image for Has New York’s No-Fault Provision Increased the Divorce Rate?

The NY Post recently reported that since the new no-fault divorce provision took effect, divorce filings in New York State have increased 12%. Some people are pointing to this as an indication that no-fault laws make people more inclined to divorce. This isn’t necessarily true.

An important factor in the fluctuations in divorce filings may be the economy. Many divorces were put on hold when the recession hit. As confidence in the economy began to improve, those who waited to get divorced for financial reasons finally felt they were ready to file. A University of Oklahoma study conducted back in 1998 also found that a state’s no-fault laws impacted the rate of divorce filings.  However, the study went on to show that in those no-fault states where the rates of divorce had increased, the increases were significantly linked to gains in family income, showing that as a family has more money to spend, separation and divorce becomes more possible.

Where To Point the Finger?

I believe, as the Oklahoma study points out, a variety of factors come into play when a couple decides to postpone or give the green light to filing for divorce.  I’ve spoken to numerous couples who stated, for example, that given the New York City real estate market, they couldn’t afford to divorce and sell their property so had to wait until the market turned around.  Others say that they simply can’t afford the cost of childcare and two New York City apartments, so they’ll tough it out until rental rates drop or their incomes increase so as to permit one of them to move out. And many couples chose to stay married, although separated, simply so that one spouse can maintain healthcare coverage under the other’s company family health plan.

Just prior to the very recent economic shakeup in Washington, Americans were sensing a mild improvement in the economy and confidence in the market was improving.  Some suspect that couples were beginning to feel financially safe enough to make the move towards separation or divorce.  Coincidentally, the recent changes to the New York Domestic Relations Law passed in October 2010 law providing for no-fault divorce also make divorce more accessible and more affordable for many couples. By allowing couples to choose no-fault or ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the grounds for their divorce, there’s no longer any need to debate or prove grounds such as adultery, abuse or abandonment, which used to consume a significant portion of a lawyers’ time. Any divorce attorney will tell you that he or she spent hours prior to this change in the law wading through the various options for grounds for divorce, passing the tissues as they extracted the information from the clients, trying to construct a well-organized complaint that would be legally sufficient. If the issue went to trial to prove the grounds for divorce, it was extremely costly. Couples who found divorce too expensive in the past now have an option that is a little more streamlined and budget-friendly.

The recent change to the New York statute providing for legal fees has also made it more possible for spouses of lesser means to take the initiative to file a petition.  Under the new law, the spouse making substantially more money may be required to shoulder the cost, or a portion of the cost, of the divorce.  The intention is to make sure that the lesser earning spouse does not stay trapped in a bad marriage just because he or she can’t afford to file for divorce, and to ensure that both parties have access to competent legal counsel or mediation.

There are always a multitude of reasons why a couple decides to divorce and it’s unlikely a change in the law actually encourages people to go out and get a divorce if it wasn’t something they were already considering.

What’s your take on the recent increases in the divorce rate?

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Post image for Standoff on the Debt Ceiling:  Is There a Mediator in the House, Please?

 

As Congress misses its deadline once again for an agreement to raise the debt ceiling, shattering the confidence of even the most cynical of economic analysts, we have to wonder why the White House has not considered using a different strategy to settle this impasse: Mediation.  The recent debate in Washington about the debt ceiling and the budget have offered a window into the importance of mediation, says a recent article in the Pittsbugh BusinessTimes. The article makes some good points about how mediation could help move the process along quickly toward resolution.  As anyone who’s been involved in an intense family, business or neighborhood conflict knows, mediators can be highly successful in getting the parties to focus on the heart of the problem, and helping them brainstorm creatively about solutions in order to achieve a ‘win-win’ agreement.  Let’s take a quick look at how a mediator could be helpful in the White House as the clock is ticking ever closer to the August 2nd budget deadline.

Mediation Resolves Disputes Quickly

There’s no argument that, when it comes to the current budget crisis and the bill under consideration to raise the debt ceiling, time is of the essence.  And mediation is always the speediest way to help parties cut through the posturing, the politics and saber-rattling, to reach an agreement that will stick. Waiting to go to court often takes months. Mediation, on the other hand is an immediate solution that allows the parties to sit down quickly and start to find solutions before the problem becomes larger. The debt ceiling is a pressing problem, and one that needs to be resolved quickly, something mediation could handily do.

Mediation Helps Parties Problem-Solve More Creatively

The debt ceiling has proven to be a persistent point of contention and the parties continue to circle around the same topics and offer up the same solutions. In disputes like this, a mediator can often step in and help the parties think about the problems in new ways. Mediators don’t offer solutions, but they do guide the parties to look at the problem in a new way, thereby helping them develop alternative solutions. Having a non-invested, neutral third party in the room can change the tone of the conversation and make it more productive, thoughtful, and creative.

Mediation Keeps the Debate Focused

It is also important to remember that a mediator does, in fact, mediate.  That is, a mediator’s job is to keep the conversation on point and on target. In family mediation, elder care mediation, and business mediation, parties have a tendency to wander and to pull in topics, situations, and associated problems that are not helpful in resolving the issue on the table. A mediator guides the talks in a focused way, moving the parties from point to point, helping them move towards solutions and also helping them see the interrelation between the problems at hand so they can be solved in a cohesive manner.

Mediation is Private and Positive

The mediation room is a positive space, where parties are not allowed to speak harshly and posturing is discouraged. Mediators work to keep parties focused on constructive conflict resolution rather than rehashing the past. In addition, mediation is a more private process, where parties are urged to keep the issues in the room – unlike the talks in Washington, which take place very much in the public eye (or at least are reported to the public after the fact). The privacy of the process can be helpful in resolving sensitive and complex conflicts where multiple agendas are at stake.  By allowing parties to lay their cards on the table honestly and openly, they can ‘cut to the chase’ more quickly if they are not having to worry about the  public perception of each position and argument presented.

Mediation offers a multitude of benefits for settling conflicts – from marital squabbles, inter-family conflicts, business problems, to cross-border disputes.  Maybe it’s time that the lawmakers in Washington try a new approach to ending the deadlock on the debt ceiling debate and bring a neutral into the room to help them move swiftly toward resolution.

 

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Post image for Getting the Most Out of Your Mediation: Do the Homework!

When you sign up for mediation, you might not expect to be given homework.  But homework is an essential part of most effective divorce, custody, or senior care mediations.

What Kind of Homework Should You Expect

Mediators often ask clients to take the time between sessions to think about the issues still to be decided and to generate possible solutions. Your mediator will usually prompt you to try to think about the topic in a way you never have before. For example, if you’re mediating a custody dispute your mediator might suggest you pretend to be your child and come up with solutions he or she might think of. Your mediator may also ask you to gather information from different sources, such as appraisals from real estate brokers or account information from investment advisors. In a senior care mediation, your mediator might suggest you make some phone calls and talk with some visiting nurses, elder care managers, or assisted living facilities. You may also be asked to do some organizational work—gathering records and documents and organizing them or creating a summary that can then be used in the next mediation session.

Why You Should Do Your Homework

If your mediator asks you to think about some issues, generate possible solutions, or gather records between mediation sessions it’s usually so that when you meet again everyone will have made some progress. Homework saves you time (and money) in mediation. Going home and spending some time thinking about the issues and possible solutions lets your mind slowly work through things in a way you cannot in a one-hour session. In the days or weeks between your sessions, you have time to let your active and subconscious mind process everything that was discussed in session and internalize it. This moves you closer to a solution. Gathering information or documents allows you to bring something new to the next session so there are more items to discuss.

How to Get the Most Out of Your Homework

If you approach your homework as something you just need to check off your list, you aren’t getting the complete benefit of it. This isn’t like math homework in high school where you just needed to scribble some answers down on paper to show the teacher you did something. Homework is intended to benefit you. You aren’t doing it for your mediator. You’re doing it for yourself. You committed to mediation and you want it to help you reach an equitable resolution. The only way to do that is to devote time and energy to the process—which means taking the homework seriously.  As you gather your information, think about how it can benefit the settlement process.  Begin to think about creative ways for how you might be able to give and take as a way to reach a fair agreement.

Mediation homework is an integral part of the process and giving it the time and attention it needs will help move your mediation case along more quickly and get you to a mutually agreeable solution as fast as possible.

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Post image for Mediation vs. Meditation: A Freudian slip on the old keypad?

There’s a difference of only one letter between the words “mediation” and “meditation.” It’s very easy to mistype one or the other words since they look almost the same. On the face of it, they seem like two entirely different things, but the two have more in common than just their spelling.

Mediation and meditation both require you to ground yourself in some way, find your center, explore what you really need and want, and take action to get there. They share the need for self-recognition and have the result of creating self-sufficiency. To meditate, you must make room in your life for the daily process, arrange your mind so that you are able to focus, and let go of the outer world as you hone in on your breathing and relaxation. Meditation has many proven benefits, including stress relief and a better ability to focus.

Mediation is really not so different. To mediate your conflict, you must put yourself in the right mindset, one that is not about conflict, but is about conciliation. You must make room in your life to attend mediation and give it your full attention and focus when you are there. You have to really push through the emotional layers to find the solutions that work for you and the other person. Mediation, like meditation, reduces stress, and allows you to move forward with your life. It also teaches you conflict resolution skills so you can reduce future conflict in the same way that meditation helps you learn to control your reaction to future stress.

How about a double whammy, though? Meditation combined with mediation? The two processes are very compatible and supportive of each other. If you’re in a situation that requires mediation, you’re under stress. Meditation can help you manage the stress and be better prepared to mediate. It can also help you practice calmness, which is very helpful in the mediation process, and will allow you to go a bit deeper within yourself to understand what your needs truly are.  Mediation can then help you find solutions to your problem, so that you are better able to relax and meditate deeply and more fully. Mediation helps you feel in control of your own life, which enhances your feeling of being grounded.

Together, the two processes form a perfect circle and more mediation practitioners may do well to recommend a little meditation to their clients.

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